Over the Step

Michael Bell had spent fifteen years making sure that nobody in a room ever looked at him for long, and now two hundred people had stood up and clapped at him, and he did not know where to put his hands. He had put them over his face, in the end, because it was the only place he could think of. When he took them away, the hall was sitting down again, and the small woman with the half-moon glasses was asking the committee who was in favour.

Michael Bell telah menghabiskan lima belas tahun memastikan tidak ada seorang pun di dalam ruangan yang menatapnya terlalu lama, dan kini dua ratus orang berdiri dan bertepuk tangan untuknya, dan ia tidak tahu harus menaruh tangannya di mana. Pada akhirnya, ia menutupi wajahnya dengan kedua tangan, karena itulah satu-satunya tempat yang terpikir olehnya. Ketika ia menurunkannya, seisi aula sedang duduk kembali, dan wanita mungil berkacamata separuh bulan itu tengah menanyakan kepada komite siapa yang setuju.

One hand went up on the stage. It belonged to a heavy man at the end of the table whose name card said Cllr R. Booth and who looked, Michael thought, like someone voting for his own peace and quiet rather than for flats. It went up slowly, and then, as the man seemed to become aware of two hundred pairs of eyes, it came down again halfway and stayed there, uncertain, like a bird that could not decide where to land.

Satu tangan terangkat di atas panggung. Tangan itu milik seorang pria bertubuh gempal di ujung meja yang kartu namanya bertuliskan Cllr R. Booth dan yang tampak, menurut Michael, seperti seseorang yang memilih demi ketenangan pribadinya alih-alih demi flat. Tangan itu terangkat perlahan, lalu, saat pria itu tampak menyadari dua ratus pasang mata yang menatapnya, tangan itu turun kembali setengah jalan dan bertahan di sana, ragu-ragu, bagai seekor burung yang tak bisa memutuskan di mana harus mendarat.

“Councillor Booth, are you in favour or not?” said Councillor Hale.

“Anggota Dewan Booth, Anda setuju atau tidak?” tanya Anggota Dewan Hale.

“In favour,” said Councillor Booth, faintly, and put his hand all the way up, and did not look at the room.

“Setuju,” jawab Anggota Dewan Booth, lirih, dan mengangkat tangannya tinggi-tinggi, tanpa memandang ke seisi ruangan.

“One in favour. Those against?”

“Satu setuju. Yang menentang?”

Four hands. Councillor Hale’s among them, raised briskly, without ceremony, as though she were signalling for a bus. Michael watched them go up and felt nothing at all for a moment, the way you feel nothing in the first second after you have cut yourself with a bread knife, before the blood comes.

Empat tangan. Tangan Anggota Dewan Hale salah satunya, terangkat cepat, tanpa basa-basi, seolah-olah ia sedang menyetop bus. Michael menyaksikan tangan-tangan itu terangkat dan sesaat tidak merasakan apa-apa, persis seperti yang kau rasakan sedetik pertama setelah teriris pisau roti, sebelum darah mengalir keluar.

“The application as submitted is refused,” said Councillor Hale, and brought the gavel down. The sound it made was not loud at all, a small wooden knock on green cloth, like somebody knocking on a door at three in the morning who does not want to wake the house.

“Permohonan sebagaimana yang diajukan ditolak,” kata Anggota Dewan Hale, lalu mengetukkan palunya. Suara yang dihasilkannya sama sekali tidak keras, hanya ketukan kayu kecil di atas kain hijau, seperti seseorang yang mengetuk pintu pada pukul tiga dini hari tanpa ingin membangunkan seisi rumah.

Then the hall went up like a fire. That was what he thought, and he hated that it was what he thought. But it was true: a roar of noise that seemed to come from everywhere at once, people standing, hugging, the old woman with the stick waving it in the air, Priya with her face in Ana’s shoulder, Daniel shouting something nobody could hear. In the front row, Jess had not moved. She was sitting quite still with her portfolio on her knees, and she was looking back down the hall, over all of them, at him.

Lalu aula itu bergemuruh bagaikan kobaran api. Begitulah yang ia pikirkan, dan ia membenci kenyataan bahwa itulah yang terpikir olehnya. Namun memang benar: gemuruh kebisingan yang seolah datang dari segala penjuru sekaligus, orang-orang berdiri, berpelukan, wanita tua bertongkat itu melambai-lambaikan tongkatnya di udara, Priya menyembunyikan wajahnya di bahu Ana, Daniel meneriakkan sesuatu yang tak bisa didengar siapa pun. Di barisan depan, Jess tidak bergerak. Ia duduk sangat tenang dengan map portofolio di atas lututnya, dan ia menatap ke belakang aula, melintasi mereka semua, ke arahnya.

In the wheelchair in front of him, his father had begun to shake. Not the old tremor; something deeper, from the chest. Michael bent down to see if he was ill, and found that he was laughing, silently, on the one side of his face that still moved, with tears running down into his collar. Walter reached up with his good hand and took hold of his son’s sleeve, and held it, and did not let go.

Di kursi roda di depannya, sang ayah mulai bergetar. Bukan tremor yang dulu; sesuatu yang lebih dalam, dari dadanya. Michael membungkuk untuk melihat apakah ayahnya sakit, dan mendapati bahwa ia sedang tertawa, tanpa suara, di satu sisi wajahnya yang masih bisa bergerak, dengan air mata yang mengalir turun hingga ke kerah bajunya. Walter mengulurkan tangan baiknya dan mencengkeram lengan baju putranya, menggenggamnya, dan tidak melepaskannya.