不是给我的

不是给我的

Not for Me

有一会儿，厨房里只有架子上的收音机在轻轻地响着。接着，Jess用力把椅子往后一推，椅子腿在地上擦出刺耳的声音。“你不能这样，”她说，“爷爷，你不能卖掉它。这是面包房。这是Bell’s。它在这里都有一百年了。”

For a moment the only sound in the kitchen was the radio, playing quietly on the shelf. Then Jess pushed her chair back so hard that it scraped across the floor. “You can’t,” she said. “Grandad, you can’t sell it. It’s the bakery. It’s Bell’s. It’s been here for a hundred years.”

“九十二年，”Walter平静地说，“是我爷爷开的。Jess，我可以卖掉它。它是我的。”他把眼镜放回盒子里。“请坐下。让我解释一下。然后你想怎么冲我喊都行。”

“Ninety-two,” Walter said calmly. “My grandfather opened it. And I can sell it, Jess. It’s mine.” He put his glasses back in their case. “Sit down, please. Let me explain. Then you can shout at me as much as you like.”

Jess没有坐下，但她不再说话了。Walter把两只手平放在桌子上。那只生病的手在木头桌面上发抖。他看着那只手，好像它是别人的，然后他开口了。

Jess did not sit down, but she stopped talking. Walter put both hands flat on the table. The bad one shook against the wood. He looked at it as if it belonged to someone else, and then he began.

“我欠银行一万八千英镑，”他说。Jess的脸变白了。“那场火灾之后，我借了钱重建房子的后面。我已经还了十五年，还没还清。现在银行要我把钱全还上。我拿不出来。”

“I owe the bank eighteen thousand pounds,” he said. Jess’s face went white. “I borrowed money after the fire, to rebuild the back of the house. I have been paying it back for fifteen years, and I’m still not finished. The bank wants all of it now. I don’t have it.”

“我的手越来越差了。医生说还会继续恶化。过一年，也许两年，我根本就没法在店里干活了。Ana不可能永远一个人扛着这里。她有自己的生活。”说到这里，他没有看Ana。“到了九月，你就要去上大学了。在利兹，或者在伦敦。Jess，你知道在伦敦要花多少钱吗？我知道。我查过了。”

“My hands are getting worse. The doctor says they will keep getting worse. In a year, maybe two, I won’t be able to work in the shop at all. Ana can’t carry this place alone forever. She has her own life.” He did not look at Ana when he said this. “And in September, you are going to university. In Leeds, or in London. Do you know what London costs, Jess? I do. I’ve checked.”

“有了Fenwick夫人的钱，我明天就能还清银行。我可以在医院附近租一间小公寓，没有楼梯。剩下的钱也足够供你读书，全包了，不用贷款。你可以去伦敦，再也不用为钱发愁。”他的声音轻柔了些。“你奶奶希望你有的选。Mary总是这么说。每个孩子都应该有的选。”

“With Mrs Fenwick’s money, I can pay the bank tomorrow. I can rent a small flat near the hospital, with no stairs. And there will be enough left for your studies, all of them, without loans. You can go to London and never worry about money.” His voice became softer. “Your grandmother wanted you to have a choice. Mary always said that. Every child should have a choice.”

Jess现在哭了起来，那是愤怒的眼泪，她用手背把泪水擦掉。“别这样，”她说，“你休想为了我把Bell’s卖掉。我不要。我会像其他人一样去贷款。我会去咖啡馆打工。我会去利兹，那里更便宜。我不在乎。但你休想拿我当借口。”

Jess was crying now, angry tears that she wiped away with the back of her hand. “Don’t,” she said. “Don’t you dare sell Bell’s for me. I don’t want it. I’ll get a loan, like everybody else. I’ll work in a café. I’ll go to Leeds, it’s cheaper. I don’t care. But don’t you dare make me the reason.”

“你不是借口。你是原因之一。”Walter神色疲惫，但很坚定。“银行是一个原因。我的手是一个原因。对于一个连托盘都端不住的人来说，这栋房子太大了，也太老了。我已经想了好几个星期了。Fenwick夫人不是坏人。她出的价很公道。”

“You are not the reason. You are one of the reasons.” Walter’s face was tired but firm. “The bank is a reason. My hands are a reason. This house is too big and too old for a man who can’t hold a tray. I’ve thought about it for weeks. Mrs Fenwick isn’t a monster. She’s offering a fair price.”

Ana一直没有说话。她知道这不是她的家，也不是她的房子。但这两个月来，她每天晚上都站在那个烤炉前，也看到了冬日市集上排队的人群。她再也忍不住了。

Ana had said nothing until now. She knew it was not her family and not her house. But she had stood at that oven every night for two months, and she had seen the queue at the winter fair. She could not keep quiet any longer.

“Walter，我觉得它不仅仅是你的房子，”她小心翼翼地说，“在市集上，人们跟我聊起他们的婚礼，还有孩子们的生日。一位老太太说，你的面包吃起来就像她年轻时候的味道。Daniel说，要是没有它，夜班公交车就不知道怎么办才好了。Bell’s多少属于这个小镇。要是变成昂贵的公寓，小镇就会失去一些再也买不回来的东西。”

“Walter, I think it’s more than your house,” she said carefully. “At the fair, people told me about their weddings and their children’s birthdays. An old woman said your bread tasted like when she was young. Daniel says the night bus would be lost without it. Bell’s belongs to the town, a little. If it becomes expensive flats, the town loses something it can’t buy back.”

Walter看了她很久。当他回答时，语气里并没有生气。他的语气很温和，甚至有些亲切，这反而让人更难受。“我知道你是好心，Ana。这两个月你为这家面包房做的事，比任何人十五年里做的都要多。但这不关你的事。这件事是我的事。”

Walter looked at her for a long time. When he answered, his voice was not angry. It was gentle, almost kind, and that made it worse. “I know you mean well, Ana. You’ve done more for this bakery in two months than anyone has in fifteen years. But it isn’t your business. This one is mine.”

Jess跑上了楼。门嘭的一声关上了。Walter独自拿着信坐在桌前，Ana则去和面了，虽然时间还太早。她需要手里找点事情做。

Jess ran upstairs. A door banged. Walter sat alone at the table with the letter, and Ana went to start the dough, although it was much too early. She needed something to do with her hands.

三点二十分，她走到台阶前。Michael已经在那里了，手里拿着袋子站在黑暗中。她压低声音快速把一切都告诉了他：Helen Fenwick、信、那些数字、三号和五号的空房子、哭泣的Jess、Walter的决定。

At twenty past three, she went out to the step. Michael was already there, standing in the dark with the bag in his hand. She told him everything in a fast, low voice: Helen Fenwick, the letter, the numbers, the empty houses at three and five, Jess crying, Walter’s decision.